FYI (if you’re Mrs. Hall)

Thanks to one Ms. Amy Lang I just read A Message to Teenage Girls About That Letter From Mrs. Hall, which was preceded of course by a reading of Hall’s FYI (if you’re a teenage girl), an open letter to the young women in her vulnerable-to-temptation teenage boys’ lives, which basically translates to one heck of a slut shaming.

First, I want to thank Angi Becker Stevens for being a voice of reason and assurance to young women who may, or may not, have read Hall‘s sweetly veiled diatribe against them.  Especially those teens who may have taken Hall’s words to heart.  I can imagine many young women saw that post for what it was, a daft attempt at pushing blame and responsibility for her sons’ views of women off of herself and onto the so-called “objects” of their desires.  Many different people can objectify, and be objectified in return, and Mrs. Hall certainly demonstrated her ability to objectify other women instead of taking responsibility for teaching her sons how to see their female classmates, and other people for that matter, as multifaceted human beings.

Being a teenager is pretty darn confusing at least 80% of the time [I am being optimistic with that “professional” calculation], which much of that is due in large part to the constant bombardment of mixed messages even us grown adults have to deal with from the media, and from those around us who parrot them constantly without giving any thought to what they might actually mean.  To what those messages imply about our societies and how they have viewed women for centuries, as objects to own and control.  Equality has come a long way in a short amount of time, but let me be perfectly clear we have so far to go even still.  Mrs. Hall’s words are evidence enough to that.

And finally the main point of this quick post is to send Mrs. Hall a message.

I know my criticisms have not sounded as constructive as I would have liked, but I take slut shaming very seriously and if I can manage to show someone how damaging their words can be to the development of those women you pray your boys will love then that is a win in my book.  I would just ask you to imagine you were 14 years old again and reread your post.  Now imagine your 14 year old self dealing with the impossible standards of beauty and virginal conduct she would have to live up to today.  Can you honestly say then that you still feel the same about those friends of your boys?

I think it is fantastic that you sit down with your kids and discuss your values as a family, but I think there is something else missing, lessons of respect and tolerance of others.  Unfortunately, I do not think it is within you to teach it to them if you would so easily cast blame on young women, who are just trying to find their place in this world like your sons do, but are all too often not given any kind of assurance or alternative message that their self-worth is not measured by how sexy they can make themselves appear to be, but instead by so many different factors that contribute to who they are as a whole person.

It can be difficult to see another as an equally complex and interesting human being when our eyes are clouded by misinformation and misguided views, but it is possible to get over that and stop blaming those who have no control over the media noise being thrown at us.  Wake up and see how awful it sounds to hold a teenage girl to a different standard than your own sons.  Female sexuality is not a coiled snake prepared to strike at an unannounced moment.  It is fun, sexy, scary, and empowering, but it has always been used against women while their male counterparts are sheltered away on pedestals with their equally as fun, sexy, scary, and empowering sexuality.

Some time soon I will revive these thoughts and hopefully come up with something more coherent, but for now i hope this will be enough to share my feelings on the issue.  Slut shaming young women into behaving how you believe they should is no way to make a difference.  It only has the potential to do damage to the development of strong, independent people, something our world is lacking these days.

Confessions of a “Mono” Girl

When I came out almost ten years ago, I had no idea there were more facets to my sexuality that would come into question later in life.  About two years ago I met and developed feelings for a friend of mine.  It was very unexpected, but really amazing on so many levels.  For one, I have found that I take quite a bit of pleasure from crushes I form.  It is fun to meet a new person and develop an admiration for the person they are, as well as the more physical attractions they can pull out of me.  Crushes are also excellent ways to work on feelings of compersion, which is to put it simply the polar opposite of jealousy.  If I form a crush on someone it can be very fulfilling to see them find happiness elsewhere, whether that be in a new relationship or with a partner they are with currently.  It is never my intention to mess with the hearts and minds of anyone I become attracted to, which is why I keep most of those feelings to myself.  In certain circumstances I have been known to confess how I feel for someone, but in most cases it is not appropriate for either party involved.

This brings me to another level of satisfaction I have gleaned from the crushes I have indulged in over the years.  I have a primary partner and we have been together for five years now.  When I started “crushing on” this friend of mine I realized that those feelings never interfered with or changed how I felt about my partner.  For someone who got by on serial monogamy after a pretty serious break up, this was huge!  It felt amazing and reaffirming and I got to thinking… Maybe I am poly.  Could I be like so many of the individuals I look up to in the sex-positive community, open and loving multiple partners?  I continued to read about the subject and listen to podcasts of people who are open and candid about the lifestyle they lead, but it was not until recently that I really began to think about the implications and realities of this (potentially) new aspect of myself.

However, this leads to some road blocks because if feelings are involved I will be the first to admit I suck at communication.  Really.  It has been something I have dealt with since I was a child and over the years, despite sex-positive revelations I have had, little has changed that about me.  I avoid confrontation like the plague and hate the thought of saying something that might hurt someone I love.  This poses a lot of problems, especially with having a primary partner and realizing something as life-altering as being poly might be a real part of who I am as a sexual being.  So given my track record with communication it is no surprise I sat on this for quite some time, almost two years in fact, over analyzing and running scripts through my head.  I had a close friend who I could talk to about it, but it was never with the one person who needed to hear these thoughts and feelings most, but I am happy to report that is no longer the case!

Yes, I have finally shared my desires to potentially open up our relationship with my partner.  Phew!  The funniest thing about it was that I had no plans to do so, but it just came out one night as we were settling in for bed.  And for the life of me I cannot remember how it was even brought up.  It was a very simple statement and it came out very easily.  I was also very relieved when my confession was met with understanding and some open-mindedness.  I was by no means trying to place an ultimatum on the table because at this point who knows how anything will go.  In theory many things sound so great, but in practice they can work out much differently than we expect.  Little by little we have opened up more about the subject and just sex in general.  Communication is key because I do not want to move ahead with anything until our relationship is on solid ground.  It has a great foundation, but there are still things we (and I) need to work on.

The morning after I had initially brought up the subject things felt different.  Possibilities were there that had not been and I felt more comfortable opening my mouth to let the thoughts come out.  We have had some fun conversations since then, and I look forward to where this might lead us.  Just because one might form an attraction for another does not mean a relationship in place is a lie or lacking, it just means everyone involved can learn and explore so much more than they had thought possible.  As long as I am able, I will maintain an open mind and open heart because lately it has just made me feel like a happier person.